Last September on Labor Day we got a call that Loren's brother Lence had been shot and had passed away. The circumstances around his death made it especially hard to cope with. It took us quite a while before we were able to feel secure in our daily activities. Before we went to his funeral we were very unsure of how to handle the whole situation. It was a very emotional time.
I have only been to a handful of funerals in my life. I really hate going to funerals because I lose control of my emotions. Not only do I look scary when I've been crying, I hate being unable to control my emotional reactions. Up until this point, only one other funeral had been for someone young. It was for an 8 year old boy who had suffered with illness his whole life. The rest had been for elderly people who had lived long lives. Even for the 8 year old, it was somewhat foreseeable because his illness was likely to be fatal to him at a young age. This was the first time I had been to a funeral where the death was totally unexpected and the result of another person's actions.
When we went to the funeral, it hadn't really sunk in to Loren. Later, he kind of retreated into himself and distracted himself while he dealt with his emotions. I have never seen him cry or show any strong emotional sadness. I have to admit, I felt a little uneasy because I wanted to help him, but he just needed to have time to himself to deal with everything. He has handled it very well, but he just had to do it on his own. I on the other hand was a mess. I'm sure it didn't help that I was dealing with pregnancy hormones that made all my emotions even more intense.
The whole time from finding out until the funeral I was a disaster. It really hit me hard. Even with my dad always being in jobs where he deals with so many emergencies and tragic situations, I had never had to deal with any myself. Going to the funeral changed my whole outlook. I have always known that families continue beyond this life. I thought about that a lot before the funeral but I was missing a comfort that came during the funeral. I had been praying for comfort but I think there was a reason it didn't come until then.
During the viewing I felt really awkward because I just didn't know what to say or do. We haven't been super close to Loren's brother or his wife and I wanted to say something that would comfort her but had no idea what. I knew my intentions were genuine, but I didn't want to say anything that would be anything but helpful. I usually am really good at knowing what to say, so being so unsure made me retreat from the situation a little. I also had no idea how my sister-in-law was feeling or how she was coping.
The next day at the funeral I started out still feeling unsure. Loren was pretty stoic the whole time. I wanted to comfort him but it still hadn't hit him and he didn't really want to let it hit him yet so I think he pulled away a little. While we were waiting before the funeral one of the helpers for the nursery brought Ethan to us because he had bitten someone(grr... that was one of the other challenges we were dealing with. He was really bad about biting for about two months!). I dealt with that then it was about time to go to the chapel for the service. I started getting really emotional again.
The service was amazing. So many people helped to bring the spirit and provide a setting that honored Lence and comforted those who were mourning. A man in the ward performed a song that he had written in honor of Lence. That was one of the two things that brought me the most comfort. The other was when Paige, Lence's wife, gave his life history. It wasn't until then that I realized she was handling it better than I had realized because she has such a strong testimony of eternal families. Not only that, but she had already forgiven the man who took Lence's life. That was what I was having the hardest time with. Seeing her strength and testimony bolstered mine. It allowed me to also forgive him. I had already known he had sever mental issues, but I hadn't really forgiven him. Once I was able to do that, I found the comfort I had been needing.
In the months since then, we have had to really learn that we can't predict what will happen so we need to live our lives in a way that if something does happen, we can move on without regrets. We are so grateful and inspired that Lence and his family were living like that. We want to get closer to Paige and her children. It has been kind of hard because of my pregnancy and having a newborn. Now that Jared is a little older though, I hope we can make it to visit them. We are also hoping to go through their city when we drive to my family's during the summer. It would make an extremely long trip during the winter when we can't drive through Yellowstone, but in warm weather it will work nicely. I have always really liked Paige, but I never went through the effort to get to know her better because she lived quite a ways away. She is one of those people that you just love to be around.
